I feel like I say this for every post, but what a week.
What a freaking week.
Started off with a visit to the doctor to discuss what the next step with this knee injury should be. I finally decided that surgery is the next step in this whole healing process, and the sooner the better. I prayed about it so much last weekend and finally got to a place where I had peace about it. I figured it was the “grown up” thing to do. But when I got to the doctor’s office on Monday and he asked what I wanted to do, I froze. I said the words that I knew I had to say, but I hated every one of them. I sat there, telling the doctor that we should go ahead and do the surgery, but every fiber of my being wanted to just run out and back to my room at the base. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and beg God to take it away for me. But I think I’m finally realizing that that really isn’t how God works. He loves us and takes care of us, yes. But He also lets us go through things and struggle with things because He knows that when we come out on the other side, we’ll be stronger and better than we were before. That’s the short story, but I think I’m finally to the place where I can say that I understand that this is what I need to do, even if it isn’t how I had wanted it to turn out. But, let’s be real. If I had it my way, I never would have hurt myself in the first place. So I guess it’s a good thing I’m not the one calling the shots. At physio once this week, I was just sitting on the stationary bike, peddling away staring outside at the amazing view, and I don’t know why, but I actually thanked God for my injury. It was the strangest thing. But I thanked Him for choosing me and for all of the things that He’s taught me through it and all the things I’m still going to learn through it. And get this. I was actually excited. I don’t know what I was excited for, but I was. I think I just realized that it’s part of living out what I’ve been telling God for the past 6 months. I’ll go wherever He calls me. And I guess if He calls me to Switzerland just to bust up my knee so that I can learn more about Him through that, then hey. That’s cool with me. If nothing else, I’ve learned how to say God is Good and mean it even in the sucky situations.
This week, Judy and Reto (the base leaders) were our speakers. Easily one of the best lecture weeks so far. Their topic was relationships, but within that we talked about identity, poverty-mindset, setting boundaries, dating, soul-ties….. So many good things. Then on Friday, for a solid two hours we had what Judy called “ministry time.” It was just time for us to come and do business with God. She had all these different “stations” set up in the classroom: a mirror and a “throne” for identity, a cross to sit in front of and surrender things at, a place to wash our hands/face/whatever to symbolize being washed clean, and a place to pray with Judy and one of the leaders to break unhealthy soul ties or anything like that. It’s been so long since I’ve really been on the receiving end of something like this. After three summers at camp, I’ve been on the other side – the side that’s setting up the room and standing around praying for the students and interceding for them. So to be honest, it was a little difficult for me to get into the right mindset. But eventually I couldn’t ignore the pull towards the cross. I could feel God telling me I needed to let go of some things, and that made me nervous. I don’t know about you, but letting go is usually super hard and painful. So I was not looking forward to that. But I knew I needed to do it and that it would feel better afterwards.
During the week, I had begun to realize that as much as I had thought I knew who I was, I didn’t any more. After blowing my knee, that’s really been something that I’ve struggled with. And I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time. But this week it was really solidified. I had wrapped so much of my identity up in my skiing and suddenly it was gone. I haven’t skied in three weeks. And it honestly kills me some days. So as I sat in front of this cross, I laid it down. I gave it God and told Him that I want to honor Him with my skiing, if He gives me the chance to ski again, whenever that may be. I don’t know what that looks like exactly, but I know that the next time I ski, I want it to give Glory to the Father. That’s all I want. For the past three years, skiing has been my life. I didn’t realize it, but that’s all I focused on in the winter and in the off season, every run, every workout was done with skiing in mind. Who cared about having a good body or being healthy. I just wanted to be able to ski better. At the end of every season, I would start thinking about what I could do to get stronger and better for the next year. It was a straight-up obsession. As I sat in front of that cross, I knew that it was time to give it up.
After that little exchange, I thought I was good. I just sat there, enjoying the freedom until I felt God saying that there was more. Dude, I felt so great at that moment, so I just asked, “Ok God, what’s next?”
Famous last words, right?
What came next broke my heart.
While skiing has basically been my whole life for the past three years, there was something else that was an even bigger part of my identity. I knew that it was, but since it was a “good thing,” I figured it was fine and that God was ok with it. I mean, God had given it to me in the first place. Why wouldn’t He be ok with it? That’s what happens when you let the tool that God gives you become more important than the One who gave it to you. I couldn’t help it. Tears just rolled down my face as I realized what God was asking me to do.
I needed to let go of camp.
You guys, I love camp. So much. Maybe too much. Somewhere along the line, I started to put camp in front of God. And on Friday, it just hit me that the two most important things in my life are gone this year. I can’t ski and I can’t be at camp this summer. All of the sudden, I realized that I have no idea who I am anymore. As scary as that sounds, there was also a part of me that got excited. After letting the tears flow for a bit, I finally said ok and left it there at the cross. I got up and went back to sit on the couch, just asking God to tell me what He thought of me. After a bit of silence and just praying, Aleah came and sat next to me. She asked how I was doing and I just kind of shrugged. We just looked at each other, nodded, and went back to our own thoughts. I kept asking God to talk to me and tell me what He thought of me and how He saw me, but kept feeling like I wasn’t getting anything. There would be little whispers every once and again and I would just grab onto those and say them over and over in my mind. But at the end of the ministry time, I walked out of the room feeling a little disappointed. It wasn’t what I was hoping for. I had wanted to make some huge revelation and leave that room a completely different person. So yeah. I was pretty deflated. I walked across the hallway into our room ready to flop onto my bed and just pout for a little bit. As I walked in, Aleah turned around and said, “So I don’t know why I did this, but I wrote this for you….” she handed me a paper from her journal and told me that she had written it all while we were still in the classroom. “But it’s not from me, it’s from God. I don’t even remember writing at least half of it. I just flipped to the back of my journal and started writing.” I took the paper and read the first line and started bawling. The page was full of identity statements – everything I had been asking God to say while I was sitting on the couch. It just blew me away. This was way better than if I would have heard it on my own because, for some reason, I have the worst memory when it comes to hearing God’s voice. If I don’t write it down, I’ll forget so quick. This way, it was already written down for me and all I have to do is read it and speak it into my life and identity.
So yeah! It was a pretty crazy week.
Just to close this long post, I’m going in for surgery on Tuesday. They’re going to reattach my meniscus and replace my ACL. So if you would keep me in your prayers, that’d be great. 🙂 I’ll try to keep this updated as much as I can this next week, but it’s going to be (yet again) another crazy one….